I cried myself awake this morning, and here's why:
I had another of my detailed and powerful dreams, but this time it was different.
Usually I have nightmares and I spend my nights in fear for my life. To have for once a dream that was simply sad was very cathartic and beautiful.. I cried for a long time and it felt like something had been freed from my chest. I felt much better afterwards and I fell back asleep peacefully. It was a dream about the bad friends trio, Francis, Gilbert and Antonio. But in this dream, Gilbert and Antonio are not just friends, they're lovers.
It began as Francis, helped by Gilbert, helped a beaten dog escape from his masters property. They were fleeing and the dog was doing everything he could to keep up with the two men. After some time the scenery became more flat and from each side of the road were endless fields of golden grass dried by the summer sun and pretty flowers, and that's where the dog stopped walking. From afar were approaching nine identical big ginger tabby cats. I knew intuitively what they were but Francis took the dog in his arms and with Gilbert they left the peaceful fields and the nine big cats.
They arrived at Gilbert's house and Gilbert started examining the dog. What they discovered was infinitely worse than they had imagined. The dog's master didn't just beat him, he had tortured him though several surgical procedures, removing bits of his body from the inside. It was stunning the dog survived it, and clearly he didn't have much time ahead of him. Gilbert asked Francis to go back to the fields because keeping the dog alive would not be charitable. Francis wanted to adopt the dog and tried to argue with Gilbert, but Gilbert insisted that the dog had to be allowed to die, so they went back to find the nine cats waiting for them. The dog looked relieved to see them and as soon as Francis layed him on the ground, the nine cats surrounded him and layed against him, purring in unisson. The dog peacefully closed his eyes and fell asleep forever.
* (just to be clear there are two references in this scene: the Elysium Fields (in the greek mythology, it's a place in the realm of Hades where heroes and virtuous poeple spend their afterlife) and the nine cats come from the Irish/Scottish legend of the Cat Sith (a big black spectral cat that is considered to be the king of cats, the legends mentions nine cats carrying a coffin, according to some versions he can steal a man's soul as long as the body is not burried, but anyway it is a cat that has a connection with death)
Francis is sad that he couldn't do anything to save the dog but Gilbert tells him that what he did was enough. The dog wouldn't die a prisonner and as soon as he got what he really wanted, freedom and affection, he was ready to go without regrets. Francis doesn't see the sad smile on Gilbert's face, he doesn't understand that Gilbert is no longer talking about the dog.
A few days later, Francis is with Antonio and they recieve a note from Gilbert that says:
"My dear dear Friends,
I always loved you more than anything, and I know that what I'm doing is going to hurt you, so please forgive me.
I should have left centuries ago. My place is no longer here and I've known it from the day your love and my brothers' love brought me back. I have suffered in silence and tired myself pretending to live so I could be with you but I've reached my limit. I can no longer pretend. I am not commiting suicide, you know? Death has always been there next to me, offering his hand in comfort, and now I am just too tired to decline the offer anymore. My soul remain all yours, and will wait for you in the afterlife. I already miss you but I hope to miss you for as long as possible. One day we will all be reunited, and we'll have the eternity ahead of us. That day is not today. I know what you think, Antonio, but I can assure you that you will be happy again, and you will love again. Not tomorrow, not next week, probably not even next year, but one day. You still have so much to live, so many things to do. You're still needed here, and I can wait. Don't leave Francis alone. You're going to need each other. Francis, please, watch over him, and look after my brother. He's never been as tough as he looks. My heart beats so fast it doesn't sound like it's just about to stop. It's my love for you, the panic of the separation.
~end of the dream~
So now you understand why I was overwhelmed. It's already super sad when you read it, but as a dream with all the colors and the feelings... yet it was really beautiful so I'm glad I've seen it, but yeah, I still have flashes of the dream that stab me in the heart whenever I think about it.